Like your Google search history, masturbation is probably one of those topics that you’d rather not discuss with your partner.
And not because you think you’re doing anything wrong (um, you’re probably not!), but because male masturbation is often a topic that’s misunderstood, with so many television shows, movies, music and Internet memes often providing negative stereotypes of how many masturbate and how often they do it.
But in all honesty. masturbation is not only good for your health and happiness, but it can strengthen your relationship, your sex life, your master moves in the bedroom and your communication habits with your partner.
It might make you nervous to discuss your masturbation habits with your significant other and perhaps make you wonder what they really think about your desire to pleasure yourself on a pretty consistent basis.
Luckily for you, we not only talked to real women but to sex experts who shed some insight on what the ladies think about male masturbation and how to approach the topic in a way that’s healthy and productive for your relationship.
Here’s what they had to say:
1. Misunderstandings About Male Masturbation
For basically anything in the bedroom, there’s never a one-size-fits all answer.
With every new relationship and each new partner, you have to re-learn, practice and truly take time to understand what gets them going, what makes them finish and what will work for your two bodies moving together. And just like it’s not true that all women like the same things, it’s inaccurate for most of the world to assume that every man is jerking it off all the time, each and every single day.
Dr. Nikki Goldstein, sexologist and relationship expert, says: “The stereotype behind male masturbation is that they do it a lot. It’s a stereotype because there is some truth behind it. Some men masturbate more than others but generally men masturbate more than women. Not because it’s a matter of sexual desire but possibly because there is more permission for them.”
When it comes to frequency of masturbation, Madison from North Carolina says that she doesn’t have a problem with her boyfriend masturbating, she just doesn’t understand why he has to do it so often when they also have an active sex life.
“I don’t care that my guy sometimes watches porn. I don’t really get the appeal, but it’s not about me. What is sometimes annoying is when I catch him doing it or find some soiled towel, right after we just had sex. It can make me feel like I’m not enough for him.”
Sex expert Coleen Singer says Madison’s thoughts are pretty common for women. Often times, a girlfriend or wife will feel like they aren’t sexually fulfilling their partners, aren’t attractive enough, aren’t sexy enough or don’t have high enough sex drives to satisfy their guy’s big needs.
In short? This isn’t true and is something you should reassure your partner about.
“Among the many stereotypes and misconceptions about male masturbation, one of the most common is that the guy is not sexually fulfilled with his partner and is seeking more pleasure, and probably fantasizing about someone else,” Singer explains.
“Although on rare occasions this might be true, more often than not most guys masturbate because it simply feels good. The majority of men have been masturbating since they were in their early teen years, and it’s simply an enjoyable and healthy part of their life that carries on through all ages of adulthood. So, don’t worry too much about it. “
Jenna from New York says that when her ex-boyfriend used to masturbate, it would just make her think he was a “horndog” and that it was all about sex instead of being about love, dating and their relationship. “He used to joke about how he ‘got one out’ earlier so he could last longer with me. But what I always heard was that he just needed to come all the time and wanted sex or an orgasm way more than he wanted to be with me.”
Dr. Dawn Michael, clinical sexologist and relationship expert, says that most of the time, masturbation is just part of a guy’s routine and daily life. And it doesn’t really change when he becomes part of a twosome, it just means he has to find time to do it when his lady isn’t around.
“I think that this is a misconception that men are always horny and need to ejaculate all the time. Is it accurate? No, this is not accurate; each man is different. Of course when men are younger and the testosterone is stronger they may masturbate more but as a man ages it depends on many factors,” she explains. “If he develops a masturbation routine, as many men, do it is something that they will stick to throughout their lives, even in relationships.”
So is it OK that you touch yourself in between dirty romps and love making with your sexy girlfriend? Michael says yes, and it might help your lady to understand why you need to do it. “Let’s say that a man is used to ejaculating every other day and then he gets into a relationship and has sex every other day for a while, for a time he may not masturbate at all but as the sex decreases, which in most cases it does, he will masturbate in between sex with his partner,” she explains.
After Heather felt frustrated by her partner’s porn habits, she said the way her husband-to-be explained masturbation made her feel better: “I finally talked to him about it and he said that when he was frustrated, it helped him to think of me or picture me in the situations he sees in porn. For him, it was a way to relieve stress and to fantasize, even though we wouldn’t always have sex before or after.”
“Because we still had a healthy sex life and he was also getting his needs met when I couldn’t physically be there to have sex with him,” she added, “it made it OK that he masturbated more often than I do.”
2. What Women Might Complain About When it Comes To Male Masturbation
Singer says how women feel about their partner’s masturbation habits varies greatly, depending a great deal on the couple and the individual.
“This very much varies from couple to couple, ranging from the woman being made to feel insecure if she catches her partner masturbating, all the way to the other end of the spectrum in which couples enjoy masturbating together as part of their love life,” she explains.
She also notes that what will help ease a woman’s trepidation about masturbation is making her feel sexy, appreciated and loved, along with being open about it. In turn, this will boost her confidence and make her less concerned about how often you’re getting it on… all by yourself.
Nikki from Los Angeles says that for her, what bothered her about her husband masturbating wasn’t that he was doing it, but that he was keeping it a big secret and she felt like it made their strong relationship a little dishonest.
“One day after we had our second baby, I came back from breastfeeding to our bedroom and saw him masturbating in our master bath. When he saw me, he got really embarrassed, stopped and apologized and went into this long spiel about how he’s just really tired and needed to release and that he loved me and blah, blah.”
“I wasn’t mad that he was doing that — I got it — but I didn’t like how he kept it a secret from me. I would have liked to be part of the conversation and maybe we could have found a way to make our sex life stronger or talk about what we could do for one another,” she said. “I needed sexual release too!”
Michael says this is common, and that often times, because men have been shamed in the past or they’re not sure about how their partner will feel about it, they don’t talk about it or do it in a seemingly secretive manner.
“Most women are unaware of their partner masturbating when they are having regular sex or they are satisfied with their sex life,” she explains. “They do notice, however, if sex is not good or they are lacking intimacy. Many women feel like there is something wrong with them and this is why their man is masturbating.”
Other women, according to Goldstein, might think that their partner likes masturbating better than they like having sex with them, and it really kills their confidence. The way to rectify this is to explain that masturbation is more about your health and hygiene and keeps you mentally sane; it’s not a replacement for the intimacy and connection that you find by having sex and making love to your girlfriend.
3. How to Talk to Her About It
If you’ve ever been in a relationship for the long haul — or at least many years — you know how essential communication is to the health of your union. You might want to open up the conversation about your masturbation habits (and ahem, hers!), but if you’re not sure how to begin the “Hey babe, so I masturbated earlier today” discussion… here’s how:
Don’t Adopt the “Guys Will Be Guys” Mentality
“How a woman feels about her partner’s masturbation habits is pretty much driven by the level of sexual confidence the female partner has. Notwithstanding the somewhat rare cases of men obsessively masturbating, for the most part, it’s just ‘guys being guys’ and very much up to the woman to accept that and, if critical to the relationship, communicate and negotiate with her partner about what’s OK and not OK,” Singer says.
Explain the Health Benefits
“Oftentimes, men masturbate as a form of stress reduction, to be able to get to sleep faster, or simply as a pleasant diversion. The benefit to the female partner is obviously a happier and less tense man around the house!” Singer says.
“When guys masturbate with any regularity, it often improves their control when having sex with his partner. This can also be combined with him doing Kegel exercises, which allow him to have multiple orgasms during sex. If he is able to come to climax but stop ejaculation, he can orgasm multiple times while having sex, which can greatly enhance your mutual experience.”
Show Off The Benefits For Her
“The obvious benefit to women when their partner masturbates is that it’s very much like exercising any other muscle. It strengthens the penis and helps develop control to avoid premature ejaculation when having sex!
This is due in part to the the fact that male masturbation helps strengthen the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which stretches from the pubic bone to the tailbone, that controls ejaculation. When men have achieved good ejaculation control, it only benefits the woman when having sex as he will last longer and be able to climax at the right moment,” Singer says.
Do It In Front Of Her (And Ask Her To, Too)
“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! For women that masturbate alone, try masturbating in front of your partner. This drives a lot of men wild, is a great form of foreplay prior to coital sex, and take masturbation by both parties out of the shadows and makes it a healthy part of their sex life,” Singer says.
Try It Together
“Rather than talk about it, bring masturbation into the bedroom together. Beyond the mutual masturbation experience, women can start with an old-fashioned handjob, and then ask him to continue himself. Tell him you love it when he touches himself, or say you want to watch,” Singer says. “Always give encouragement and show acceptance. Maybe start to pleasure yourself — masturbating in front of your partner is very intimate and shows a level of trust.”